mod·es·ty (mädəstē) - Noun: The quality or state of being unassuming.

Based on my appearance, nobody would ever guess what’s playing in my headphones; they’re always opposites. The other day on my way to practice, I was decked out in sweats, hood up and all… listening to “Oh Come All Ye Faithful Piano Version Part 2.” Straight classical music.

Things are a bit misleading when half the story is unseen to the public eye. It’s like the score of a soccer game. The final score may be recorded as 3-2, and to whoever looks at that written score; it's just a team who beat another team. But this says absolutely nothing about the people involved.  This 3-2 game was actually 2-0 for most of the time, until the underdogs rose up in the final 15 minutes of the second half, to tie the game 2-2, and finally got that third point in a shootout that had the crowd in tears of excitement.

Point is, nobody would know this story from the recorded score. It’s easy to surmise nothing like this even took place, if you’re only looking from the outside.  

Never assume you know everything. There are conversations that were held without you; you don’t know who may have stood up for you. It’s easy to aim the trigger at someone when you assume the worst, but sometimes you have to trust people’s loyalty even when you’ve been misled to believe otherwise.

There are reasons behind every decision, unseen depth behind unexpected sources. Be understanding. It’s an easy lesson to forget.

cannot disappoint.

You don't care what people think about you? Cool, well I do.

I will not have people becoming disappointed in me. There is no worse feeling. 

I can't believe how naive some kids are. That whole "I'm too good to care about life, I'm just doin' me" attitude really irritates me. You want to get anywhere in life? You better start building your character, at least the one that people see from the outside. Oh, you don't care the way you come off to others? Alright, does that still apply when you bring into the equation your little sister, who will quite literally follow whatever example and path you pave? What about your dad, who has gained so much respect for you over the years? Are you trying to ignore the relatives, the grandparents, the friends who think so highly of you? Why would you want to interrupt that image?

But then again, you might say, why does it matter?

It all matters. You are a living example to so many people. Not just the ones you know, but to the people you don't know are even watching you. You are affecting the decisions of those younger than you, looking upwards.

Somebody's eyes are always on you, so care.

thanks. amen.

I wonder how God decides to save a life.

My mom leaves work every day at 4pm. She walks through the skywalks of Minneapolis, finds her car in the parking ramp, and drives home in time to make dinner.

One day a few months ago, she got held up at the office and had to leave half an hour late. At 4:30pm, her heels clacked through the parking ramp only to find caution tape and police everywhere.

30 minutes earlier, at 4pm, a woman walking to her car had been stabbed. The incident was reported as random.

Mom, that could have been you.

 On July 20^th, 2012, one of my classmates was in Aurora, Colorado, and planned to go see The Dark Knight Rises at its midnight premiere. She got to the theater, only to find it was sold out. She left. An hour or so later, 12 were killed in the shooting.

How easily she could have been number 13.

My friend’s mom was walking home one cold night when she was a teenager, nothing but her, the curved road, and the fields of corn and woods surrounding her. She saw a white van in the distance, and as it turned around and started to head toward her, she slipped into the trees to her left to hide, just in case. She heard the van drive up, slow down, and listened to one man ask the other “Where’d she go?” They finally drove off.

One single tree stump hid her from danger.

I’m not really sure what to make of all this. When someone dies, the question is always, “Why?” When someone doesn’t die though, when they barely escape it… I find myself asking “Why not?” Luck? Karma? A gut feeling?

These situations kind of make one aware of some outside force protecting them, taking away, if only for a moment, any doubts about God. 

You can continue to ask “Why” and blame God when tragedy strikes, which is okay- Don’t blame yourself, don’t get angry with those you love. God can handle those feelings, you and your loved ones cannot.

However, if only to be fair, you’ve got to realize it not only when God takes a life, but when he keeps one around. It doesn’t need to take a “close call” for you to thank him for someone. Thank him every day your family and friends make it through.

One of these nights before bed, send up a quick prayer with no requests, no questions, no complaints. Just a thank you.

old chevrolets.

            I went to this student design meeting yesterday (for the free pizza) and during introductions, we went around the room saying our 1. Name and 2. Top item on our bucket list.

            I sat there listening to “Go to Europe” (Been there) “Learn to surf” (Currently wearing a surfing bro-tank… Done that) “Scuba dive” (I hate snorkeling) “Go cliff jumping” (That guy must not get out much) and “Skinnydip in the ocean” (Check).

            I was feeling pretty blessed to have experienced a lot of what other people could only hope for. It’s never enough to settle, though; a person will always want more. How am I supposed to tell the class what I want most in life, when I'm not even sure myself?

            How can you even define “want”? You want that hot girl in class, you want Madden ‘13, you want both your parents to live forever, you want to win your game this Saturday, you want friendship and acceptance, you want to sleep in. It’s so vague, such a widely used word with so much meaning.

            Whenever I notice 11:11pm, all I can think is, who knows what they really want?

            With a lot of things, I think people blur the line between “wanting it” and “working for it.” I mean, when it comes to sports, you sure don’t train for second place. Yeah, the desire to succeed must be there, but putting in the effort to achieve success is vital.

            Sometimes that’s not enough though. No matter what you do, there will always be some things you cannot have. I know too many kids who have lost their dads, or moms, or somebody extremely close to them. Stay strong, guys, you’ll see ‘em in heaven. You will.

            Big shoutout today to Osama for making that even more true.

            See, it’s so hard to explain the word “want” to someone when your definition is so broad. Work for what you can, believe in what’s out of your control, and realize what’s worth it to you.

            Once you got that down, get back to me. Cause I don’t think anyone human has it all figured out yet.

            Just in case anyone was curious. My answer was, “Hi I’m Amanda and before I die, I will own an old chevy pickup truck.”

wistful thinking.

Have you noticed the older you get, the more your perspective changes? When you were little, just wanting to ride a bike. And once you were able to ride a bike, just wanting to drive a car. You’re always looking forward, the younger you are. I want junior high, I want high school, I want to graduate college, a job, a wife, a family, a home. Then somewhere along the road you stop looking forward and you start looking back, and you say, I wish I was young... those were the days.

Everyone is enjoying the cool weather, but I could easily float back to May and replace these goodbyes with hellos, and reminiscence with freedom.

Nostalgia has the ability to captivate one's mind, enclose you within your thoughts and memories that you hope will never disappear.

That's why it's hard to sleep at night. It's the first time all day that you are alone with your thoughts. Scientifically, it's the time that your brain does it's processing of the day that you've had, recounting what has happened to put short-term memories into long-term storage. But the brain does nothing unnoticed by the mind. You lie there and reflect on the past, whether that be the last 12 hours or the last 12 months.

Ever since the beginning of high school, I've put my memories into a tangible form. I have random lists of things that happened on my Best Day Ever's, or notes on my iPod calendar claiming the small but noteworthy events that have happened that week.

This past spring I googled "phobia of forgetting" and came up with Athazagoraphobia. I am constantly picturing myself 20 years from now, wishing I could remember what I was like in high school and college. While this is highly unlikely to happen- nobody is THAT forgetful that they'd lose themselves- it still keeps me jotting things down.

Another reason in the back of my mind has to do with the fact that if I die young, I want some record of the life I’ve lived.

While May and June are times of LETS GO ITS SUNNY OUT I MISSED YOU LETS CHANGE OUR ETHNICITY TOGETHER YEAH BEACH YEAH, August brings the realization that man this summer was even better than last and where did the time go and oh you're leaving for college okay wow that was fast.

Every incoming freshman wants to relay the fact that they’re not looking back and are ready to break on into this new start of a school year, but in all sincerity, it's not possible to drive your car safely without looking in the rearview mirrors once in a while. You'll get to school and have an ultimate high, meeting people and walking through campus and joining new teams, but there will come a night a few weeks in, when you are alone with your processing brain and realize how much you miss "the good old days."

Well these ARE the days. So while excitement for the future is necessary to succeed in a new town, never, ever forget where you came from.

nice meeting you.

It’s unbelievable the amount of people that will come into and out of your life.

You’ve got your family, you’ve got your friends, you’ve got the people who you will always say “see ya later” rather than goodbye.

The interesting footprints are the ones left by strangers, those who you realize and accept that you will never, ever see again.

I went to Europe two years ago; our tour guide’s name was James. Funny guy. He, being a tour guide, connected and then disconnected with people for a living. Naturally, he had a refreshing perspective on things.

In today’s day and age, it’s hard to make a connection with someone without asking their name, number, and twitter info. This is how us suburban kids grew up- meet people, become friends, stay connected.

I actually remember the night James and I had a little chat, which evolved into this surprisingly deep conversation aside from everyone else’s bantering.

One thing he told me was this: 

People come and go, but you have to enjoy it. You meet someone on a plane, get to know him or her for a couple of hours, and at the end, say, “It was very nice talking to you” and move on. There is no need to exchange numbers and say you’ll meet up later in life. The realistic thing is that you’ll never see them again, but you had a good time together.

This is so interesting to me. Some people come into your life, and you enjoy their company. They then make their exit, and it’s time to move on. Not to forget, but to accept.

I’ve been thinking about this all summer. The people I have met in the past 2 months… it’s amazing. A lady who gave me chills talking about Soundset. Veronica, a California store manager, most patient person I’ve ever met. Skylar and Damion, two professional surfers that I met and ended up going on a double date with. All the Norway guys that I met while working at the mall and watched at the USA cup. Friends of friends, who extend welcoming arms.

All of these, and so many more, are people who I will quite literally never see again.

In many subtle ways, I have been impacted by these people. I have enjoyed their company, and even though I get nostalgic, I move on. Delete the numbers, unfollow on twitter, it’s been real but it doesn’t need to be forever.

I'm on my way to Cali for a week and a half to visit my friends. Literally, I leave in 20 minutes. I'm about to meet a whole lot more of these "see ya never" type people, and I'm 100% okay with that.

“Some people walk into your life and quickly go. Others stay for a while and make footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

There are two categories: people who come and go, and people who stay and impact. I really believe that the ones who come and go make such an underrated difference in our lives though, too.

Strangers work subtle miracles in our lives. They have the small power to make our day better. They give us new perspectives. They present to us qualities and traits that nobody in our current lives possesses. In other words, they show us what else exists out there, and that maybe we deserve better.

Everyone that enters your life will leave some sort of imprint on you. Find out peoples’ stories; let yourself learn from each person. Directly or indirectly. Enjoy things while they last. However, at the ending, do not play tug-of-war when they leave.

Accept what is gone and what it has given you.

start.

A year from now you will wish you had started today.

Think about it.

If I could go back one year, I would. That’s not to say that I regret anything huge that would make my life now any different, that’s not it. I just… miss it, for one thing. But there are just so many “ifs” of life, so many distinct directions there are for one to travel.

“I am an extremely indecisive person.” So many people say this, thinking they’re coming to a huge realization about themselves. I hate to break it to you, but have you ever met someone that calls him or herself “decisive?” Well... no you haven’t. Nobody knows exactly what they want, instantly, always.

I think a part of this is because people will always want the best of both worlds. You are only allowed one route in life, so when you make a final decision, you’re saying goodbye to any other path you could have taken.

What if I was still at Iowa State? What if I would have done track in 11^th grade? What if my parents would have let me go to Apple Valley High School? What if I would have pursued that one crush I had? What if I had chosen to live in Cali this summer? What if I had been a better sister?

My what ifs aren’t necessarily things that I would go back and do differently, they’re just different options. I mean, I am extremely happy that my parents forced me into Eastview High School. I HATED it freshman year- my entire group of friends, the closest group I had ever had, went to AV and I was stuck walking into a school where I really didn’t have a group at all. Seriously, think about that. At the end of it all, though, I’m glad I wasn’t allowed to make the choice myself.

Right Now could mean so many different things. There’s a theory out there that time doesn’t actually exist in the form of a line, like we picture it, but rather in the form of space. No particular direction, just different layers of experiences.

I don’t get it, either. But what I do know, is that at this exact instant that I am typing this, I could be at this Eagan dude’s bonfire that I’ve never met, I could be sitting around a fire next to the Pacific Ocean, I could be a recruited college athlete, I could have a better relationship with my brother Matthew, I could have 2 less friends, I could be dead, I could be a ballerina. There are just so many courses one can take in life, there’s no saying where you’ll end up, based on the small decisions you make.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that if you wish you had the chance to change something from a year ago, or 5 years ago, or yesterday… Just think about what you’ll be wanting to change a year from now, or 5, or tomorrow.

Take some chances, yo.

A year from now, you’re not going to care about that awkward moment walking into a bonfire of people you didn’t know. You’ll care about the random encounter with a stranger that led to a new friendship.

A year from now, you won’t care about the stress of attempting again and again to make amends with old friends, you’ll care about the fact that you can finally call them friends again.

A year from now, you will either be exactly where you were with someone, or proud of yourself for moving on, leading to bigger and so much better.

A year from now, the small stuff won’t matter. The product of all the chances you decided to take, will.

A year from now, you will wish you had started today.